Once again, I attended Cinema Wasteland in Strongsville, Ohio (near Cleveland) and it was a memorable event. I’ll tell you about peeing by the light of my cell phone and the rest of the craziness in a moment. Let's start with the activities on the vendor floor.

Cinema Wasteland Spring 2006: A tale of merchandise madness, girl-on-girl action, cops, drug sniffing dogs, and peeing by the light of my cell phone.

By Christopher Cook

Everyone needs a little strange
now and again

2. Horror fans traditionally can deal with blood, guts, brains, aliens, axe murderers, the undead, and a myriad of other disgusting things, but the majority of them were afraid of my harmless cockroaches.

3. It was strange seeing how some people just walk along glassy-eyed through the dealer's room not really looking at anything.

4. Similar to the cockroaches, I was offering a deal where people could buy a sticker for $1, and staple the dollar to me with an industrial staple gun. Most people were too grossed out by the concept to take me up on the offer.

In this picture, Henrique contemplates his existence while Lisa waits for smoke to shoot out of his ears. Henrique Couto, whom you may know from Faces of Schlock 1 and 2, had a booth as usual and is a good guy to talk to. Ask him about his film MARTY JENKINS AND THE VAMPIRE BITCHES if you see him at a convention. His web site is www.FreakProductions.net.

According to the back of the book it contains “seventeen sick and nasty tales of horror featuring an introduction by Sid Haig.” www.JoeKnetter.com.

Fred from Toe Tag Pictures keeps his staff in line with a kind word and a quick hammer. The new trailer he was showing at his booth for THE REDSIN TOWER, coming out this summer, looks fantastic. Visit Toe Tag by going to www.ToeTagPictures.com.

Joe is either a genius or insane for shooting a movie at a convention. I’m betting on insane. Despite the insanity, he was able to finish the film. Here’s what he had to say: “Our final shot was at about 4 p.m. on Sunday. As the convention was winding down, we shot a 'death scene' and got about 60 extras to take part in a key scene for our film in the main front lobby near the showroom entrance. It was a great way to finish an intense, but fun shoot that weekend. The crowd really got into it and had a blast being a part of our film.”

I asked Jose about his experience at Cinema Wasteland. “I got drunk on Saturday night,” he said, “and thought it was insane when the power went out. I guess the freaks really do come out when the lights go out. Mainly because it got insane!!! A sink in the bathroom got shattered. I heard the police brought in a drug sniffing dog and went through the top 4 floors searching for pot and other drugs....Absolute mayhem!!”

After the photo shoot I hit the vendor floor again and ran into my buddy Jose. Both of us were tapped for cash, so we headed out to the ATM. We found Bryan in the parking lot wandering around with a handful of personal care products.

Bryan (far right) auctions off his products to the highest bidder in the parking lot; Jose (near right) was the highest, and only, bidder. The bottles didn’t even

So after a few more drinks I strike up a conversation with Hel Kitten de Lux. She was at the photo shoot earlier and we got to talking... about what I can’t recall. It’s my understanding that she and Brenna became well acquainted the previous night.

I also ran into Sharon, an Ohio actress/model. She was cool because she was hanging out like “one of the guys” but she was doing it while wearing a bikini top. Life is sweet, and so was Sharon!

Did I mention how much I love horror conventions?

Everything was going along swimmingly until about 10:30 when the power goes out. You wouldn’t think this would be a big problem, except that when the power goes out, THE BAR STOPS SERVING DRINKS.

Talk about a major buzzkill. The party gamely continued for a short while under the harsh glow of the emergency lights, but the

I, however, had to work the next day and went to my room for much needed shut eye. Sleep was slow in coming due to the ongoing festivities. There was howling coming for the parking lot, singing in all areas of the hotel, and the constant pitter patter of huge, drunken feet running up and down the hallways. Apparently, people were congregating in the hallways in an impromptu meet-and-greet and having a good time.

Despite the noise, I was almost asleep when the fire alarm went off on my floor. I ignored it and concentrated on stopping the blood flow from my ears due to the piercing shriek of the siren. The siren finally stopped and I enjoyed the relative quiet of a group of people chanting for some girl to take her top off at a nearby party. Let them swing free I say!

Speaking of swinging free, I realized I had to go to the bathroom…except the power was still out and the bathroom was in TOTAL DARKNESS. The McGuyver in me rose to the occasion and I grabbed my cell phone. One flip of the cover and I was able to pee, without error, by the gentle glow of the mini-screen on the phone. Ahhhhhh. You know a convention is going well when the fans are howling by the light of the moon, girls are getting topless, and you have to pee by the light of your cell phone.

The next day I collected reports on what went down. The people I interviewed could only remember mere hazy fragments as they tried to focus their bloodshot eyes and debated the advisability of breakfast. Here’s what they had to say: